08.13.07

Quotes on Clinton

Posted in Humor at 13:49 by Borniet

“Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book. I believe the last
time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything that’s in
this book.” David Letterman

“Bill Clinton’s book went on sale today at long last. Earlier today hundreds
of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance
to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, ‘I’m
meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.’”

Conan
O’Brien

“It’s actually longer than the new Harry Potter book. And both of them, I
believe, are about a boy and his wand.”

David Letterman, on Clinton’s book

“This weekend 1,000 people lined up at Barnes and Noble to see Bill Clinton.
Not to buy his book, but to give him a Father’s Day card.”

Craig Kilborn

“After his affair became public Clinton says he had to sleep on the couch
for two months. It gets worse with Hillary”

Craig Kilborn

“In an upcoming interview with Dan Rather, Bill Clinton says he had an affair
with Monica Lewinsky ‘just because I could.’ And a moment later Hillary said
the same thing after she hit him with a lamp.”

Craig Kilborn

“President Bill Clinton’s autobiography is coming out next week. Clinton is
going on one of those book tours in New York City next week and they are
expecting huge crowds. So, to keep the crowd moving, he’ll only sign one
breast.”

David Letterman

“Bill Clinton’s new memoir has already had orders for 1.5 million copies. In
fact, it’s already in its third printing. The first two were stained.”

David Letterman

“Bill Clinton’s memoir, which is coming out in June, is called ‘My Life.’ I
believe it’s an oral history. … They say it should be a good read even for
people who are unfamiliar with Bill Clinton, you know, like Hillary.”

Jay Leno

“Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the
Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry
campaign. I’m thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.”

David Letterman

“Don’t kid yourself, this is disturbing. Stories coming out about degrading
photographs, nude pyramids, sexual humiliation. Of course I’m talking about
Bill Clinton’s memoir.”

David Letterman

“A new article in Vanity Fair says Bill Clinton is having trouble finishing
his new book, entitled ‘My Life,’ in time to meet his deadline. It’s not too
surprising, since you can only type so fast using one hand.”

Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

“Bill Clinton’s publisher says he’s just about finished writing his memoirs.
The last chapter is titled, ‘Hold On, I Just Found Out Halle Berry Is
single.’”

Craig Kilborn

“Clinton’s book could be close to 700 pages. What is this? Even Clinton’s
books are fat.”

Jay Leno

“The $10 million Clinton is getting for his book beats the old record of $8.5
million paid to the Pope. How do you think this makes the Pope feel? The man
dedicates his life to the 10 Commandments, he gets 8.5. Clinton breaks every
one of them, he gets 10.”

Jay Leno

“Just like Clinton, the book will come with a jacket and no pants.”

Jay Leno

“Clinton has been mulling over titles for his memoirs but publishers have
already told him he can’t use the ‘Ass Menagerie.’ … Editors are reportedly
hoping for 1000 pages, but Clinton wants it considerably shorter so it hurts
less when Hillary throws it at him.”

Craig Kilborn

“Today the publisher of Bill Clinton’s book said the last draft does include
Clinton’s description of all his infidelities. Yes, look for it in
bookstores in the hernia section.”

Craig Kilborn

“Isn’t this amazing? Clinton is getting $8 million for his memoir, Hillary
got $8 million for her memoir. That is $16 million for two people who for
eight years couldn’t remember anything.” Jay Leno

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About Belgium

Posted in Humor at 10:19 by Borniet

http://www.galactic-guide.com/articles/8R94.html

I can only confirm this, being a Belgian myself…

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Porn Star Gives a Trooper a BJ to get Out of a Ticket

Posted in Humor at 10:05 by Borniet

Then posts about it on her blog, the trooper gets suspended

read more | digg story

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The Trooper

Posted in Humor at 10:03 by Borniet

A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally,
trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that
he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The
farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what
they are—I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re
called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around
the back end of a horse.”

The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me
a horse’s ass?”

“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police
officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the
ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

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The dying godfather

Posted in Humor at 9:59 by Borniet

The old Italian Mafia Don, The Godfather is dying so he called
his grandson to his bed.

“Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take  my
chrome plated 38 revolver so you ill always remember me.”

“But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving
me
your Rolex watch instead.”
“You lisina to me, soma day you goin  be runna da bussiness, you
goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a
couple
of bambino.Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda your wife in
bed
with another man.. What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and
say


TIMESUP?”
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Software development cycle

Posted in Humor, IT at 9:48 by Borniet

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his bonus check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

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Top 8 morons

Posted in Humor at 9:39 by Borniet

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “that’s not what I said!”.

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart”. “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRUE.Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

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How to get discipline in a classroom

Posted in Humor at 9:31 by Borniet

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast
around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was
not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he
found himself assigned to the toughest classes in the school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the
window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk
work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk
stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

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Funny Unix commands

Posted in Humor, IT at 9:26 by Borniet

% cat “food in cans”
cat: can’t open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% “How would you rate Quayle’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.

% Unmatched “.
Unmatched “.

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?^
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many (’s.

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

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How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb? Depends on the breed…

Posted in Humor at 9:24 by Borniet

SOFT COATED WHEATEN TERRIER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can’t reach that stupid bulb!

ROTTWEILER: Make me.

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

PULI: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE: I’ll blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the sofa.

BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

GREYHOUND: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle….

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?

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