07.11.07

Redneck Computer Lingo

Posted in Humor at 14:55 by Borniet

“Hard drive” — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
“Keyboard” —- Place to hang your truck keys.
“Window” —— Place in the truck to hang your guns.
“Floppy” —— When you run out of Polygrip.
“Modem” ——- How you got rid of your dandelions.

 
“ROM” ——— Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
“Byte” ——– First word in a kiss-off phrase.
“Reboot” —— What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
“Network” —– Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
“Mouse” ——- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
“LAN” ——– To borrow as in, “Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.”
“Cursor” —— What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
“bit” ——— A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.”
“digital control” — What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
“packet” —— What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip

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Everyday Laws

Posted in Humor at 14:34 by Borniet

* Jone’s Motto:
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* Terman’s Law of Innovation:
If you want a team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump
seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot each.

* O’brien’s Variation:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than
the one you are in now.

* Conway’s Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going
on. This person must be fired.

* The Peter Principle:
In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
incompetence.


* H.L.Mencken’s Law:
Those who can, do. Those who cannot teach.
* Martin’s Extension:
Those who can’t teach, administer

* Belani’s Extrapolation:
Those who cannot even administer, become consultants.

* Lieberman’s Law:
Everbody lies; but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

* Kovac’s Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

* Van Herpen’s Law:
The solving of the problem lies in finding the solvers.

* Murphy’s Law of Government:
If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate.

* Bell’s Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.


* Ruby’s Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don’t want to be seen with.
* Young’s Law:
Great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Kin Hubbard:
A good listener is usually thinking about something else

* One Anonymous Great Seer’s Law :
Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

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One-liners

Posted in Humor at 13:24 by Borniet

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! 

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray…

Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (yep/Nope)

Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!

Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?

Behind every great man is a great woman…and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her butt!

BE ALERT! …The world needs more lerts.

Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, “Louie”.

Customer Service Sign: Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.

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CEO Confidence

Posted in Humor at 13:23 by Borniet

Hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company’s software is running the aircraft’s automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first un crewed flight, he replies: “If it’s the same software that runs my company’s IT systems, this plane won’t even TAKE OFF .”

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