05.14.07

US State Motto’s

Posted in Humor at 16:09 by Borniet

Alabama -  Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
       Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
       Arizona - But It’s A Dry Heat.
       Arkansas - Literacy Ain’t Everything.
       California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
       Colorado - If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother.
       Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It
       Yet.
       Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.


       Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
       Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
       Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru. (Death To Mainland
       Scum,Leave Your Money)
       Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes…Well, Okay, We’re Not, But The
       Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.
       Illinois - Please, Don’t Pronounce the “S”.
       Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free.
       Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn.
       Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States.
       Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.
       Louisiana - We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,  But That’s Our Tourism
       Campaign.
       Maine - We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster.
       Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It.
       Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s.
       Michigan - First Line Of Defense From The Canadians.
       Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes…And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes.


       Mississippi - Come Here And Feel Better About Your Own State.
       Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work.
       Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and
       Very Little Else.
       Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest.
       Nevada - Hookers and Poker!
       New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone.
       New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
       here!
       New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets.
       New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To
       An Attorney…
       North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable.
       North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
       Ohio - At Least We’re Not Michigan.
       Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing.
       Oregon - Spotted Owl…It’s What’s For Dinner.
       Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal.
       Rhode Island - We’re Not REALLY An Island.
       South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn’t Actually
       Surrender Yet.
       South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota.
       Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State.
       Texas - Se Hablo Ingles.
       Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.
       Vermont - Ay, Yep.
       Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
       Washington - We have more rain than you do.
       West Virginia - One Big Happy Family…Really!
       Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!
       Wyoming - Where Men Are Men… And The Sheep Are ScaredKNOW

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The Jewelry Store

Posted in Humor at 15:53 by Borniet

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I
want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler
said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by
check. “I know you need to make sure it’s good, so I’ll write it now,
you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no
money in that account.”

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

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05.11.07

Dead horses

Posted in Humor at 11:15 by Borniet

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians,

passed on from generation to generation,

says that,”When you discover that you are riding a

dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”

However, in government, education and the corporate world, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse’s performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course….

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

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05.09.07

Version numbering

Posted in Humor, IT at 12:43 by Borniet

Open source calls it: alpha testing
Microsoft calls it: 1.0
Google calls it: shhhh … top secret.
Apple calls it: unsubstantiated rumors

Open source calls it: beta testing
Microsoft calls it: 2.0
Google calls it: beta testing
Apple calls it: rumors with possibly some substance to them

Open source calls it: release candidate
Microsoft calls it: 3.0
Google calls it: beta testing
Apple calls it: copies are circulated to the usual suspects, who eagerly
publish reviews describing it as the “most innovating product yet!”

Open source calls it: 1.0
Microsoft calls it: varies. Previous names have included 3.1, 95, 98,
4.0, 5.0 or X.
Google calls it: beta testing
Apple calls it: released to the market place, Steve Jobs goes on record
to say that it is “insanely great”.

Open source calls it: 2.0
Microsoft calls it: SP1,2,3…
Google calls it: beta testing
Apple calls it: a recall

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To God From The Dog

Posted in Humor at 12:38 by Borniet

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?  Or is it
still the same old story?

Dear God: Why  are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a
dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice
ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the “Chrysler
Beagle”?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears
him, is he still a bad dog? 

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions,  hand
signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic
energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear  God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize? 
 
Dear God: Help me remember - To be a good dog…
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.,
just because I like the way they smell.

The sofa is not a ‘face towel,’ neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s
license and registration. 

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying
“hello.”

I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee
table.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house –
not after.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
we have company.

The cat is not a ’squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last question . . .

Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

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