08.13.07

Top 8 morons

Posted in Humor at 9:39 by Borniet

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “that’s not what I said!”.

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart”. “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRUE.Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

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How to get discipline in a classroom

Posted in Humor at 9:31 by Borniet

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast
around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was
not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he
found himself assigned to the toughest classes in the school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the
window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk
work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk
stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

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Funny Unix commands

Posted in Humor, IT at 9:26 by Borniet

% cat “food in cans”
cat: can’t open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% “How would you rate Quayle’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.

% Unmatched “.
Unmatched “.

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?^
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many (’s.

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

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How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb? Depends on the breed…

Posted in Humor at 9:24 by Borniet

SOFT COATED WHEATEN TERRIER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can’t reach that stupid bulb!

ROTTWEILER: Make me.

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

PULI: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE: I’ll blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the sofa.

BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

GREYHOUND: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle….

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?

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Police Humor

Posted in Humor at 9:21 by Borniet

“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.”

“So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh … did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop.”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

“Just how big were those two beers?”

“No sir we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

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Best voicemail messages

Posted in Humor at 9:16 by Borniet

  1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
  2. I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.
  3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
  4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
  5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
  6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
  7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’ The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.
  8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.  I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
  9. Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
  10. Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
  11. I‘ve run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY:
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’.
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Woman’s perfect breakfast

Posted in Humor at 9:08 by Borniet

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.Her son is on the front of the Wheaties box.

Her daugther is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband in on the back of the milk carton.

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Indian Wisdom

Posted in Humor at 9:05 by Borniet

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to
interview him.

“Chief Two Eagles,” asked one official, “You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances.
You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?”

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied,

” When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no
debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine
man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having
sex.”

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that.”

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You might be a Floridian if…

Posted in Humor at 9:00 by Borniet

You might be a Floridian if …

You have more than 20 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.

The freezer in your garage is full of homemade ice.

You flinch when you are introduced to a person named Charley, Frances or Ivan.

You find yourself dropping words like “millibar” and “convection” into everyday conversation.

Your pantry contains more than 10 cans of Spaghetti Os.

Making coffee on your propane grill does not seem like an odd thing to do.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.

When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe place.

You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

You are delighted to pay $2 for a gallon of unleaded.

The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.

You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.

You have the number for FEMA on your speed dialer.

You own more than three large coolers.

You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

Three months ago you couldn’t hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

You catch a 5-pound catfish. In your driveway.

You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner’s insurance policy.

At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chain saw.

You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.

There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.

You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Ice is a valid topic of conversation.

Relocating to North Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea

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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Posted in Humor at 8:54 by Borniet

“I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, ‘There goes the neighborhood!’”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I went to a hooker, and she told me, ‘Not on the first date.’”

“My wife does a lot of charity work. She handles all the policemen’s balls.”

“I went to a nude beach, and they told me it wasn’t polite to point.”

“At the nude beach I saw a 100-pound man with 50-pound testicles. He told me he was sick. I told him, ‘You’re not sick. You’re half-nuts.’”

“I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.”

“I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.”

“I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!”

“They say, ‘Love thy neighbor as thy self.’ What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?”

“I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.”

“A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.”

“I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No. I hate myself now.’”

“I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, ‘What’ll you have?’ I said, ’surprise me.’ He showed me a naked picture of my wife.”

“I went to see my doctor — you know him, Dr. Vinny Boom Batz. I told him, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?’ He said, ‘I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”"

“My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, ‘If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion.’ He said, “All right, you’re ugly too.”"

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

“During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.”

“When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.”

“When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream.”

“Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?’”

“When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. … and no one showed up.”

“I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. There was nobody home.”

“When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

“When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother’s.”

“With my wife, I don’t get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.”

“With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.”

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