10.23.07

Dilbert’s Quotes from InDuhViduals

Posted in Humor at 22:56 by Borniet

From Dilberts DNRC Newsletter:

“There’s more than one way to peel a cat.”

“That woman uses olive oil like it grows on trees.”

“He’d give you the arm off his back.”

“You play ball with me and I’ll scratch yours.”

“We do not have a smoking cow at this point.”

“It’s our golden goose. We better figure out how to make her purr.”

“You are in the top one hundred percent.”

“She has four kids, and she’s pregnant with her third.”

“He’d still be alive today if he hadn’t died.”

“How many quarters can you cut an apple into?”

“The gunman was believed to be armed.”

“Why don’t they just put the water back in the lake when it’s been through the generator?”

“I’m up to my earballs in work.”

“It’s a dog eat dog world, and by golly, we better make sure we’re the dog.”

“I’m up to my ass in elbows and alligators.”

“Is your nephew a boy or a girl?”

“Put yourself in my pants.”

“I just got bit by a bee! Those damn bees have the sharpest teeth I have ever seen!”

“Do you think this store has any of that fellatio bread?” “This week, if not sooner.”

“People are dying like pancakes around here.”

Bookmark and Share

08.13.07

IT people definitions

Posted in Humor, IT at 14:10 by Borniet

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women
  can deliver a baby in One month.

  2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will
  take 18 months to deliver a baby.

  3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman
  can deliver nine babies in one month.

  4) Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a
  baby.

  5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can
  deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

  6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t need
  a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with zero resources.

  7) Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether
  the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.

  8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy
  with the PROCESS to produce a baby

Bookmark and Share

Car forums

Posted in Humor at 13:58 by Borniet

Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ashtray today. How do I replace it?

BMW Forums
- - - What ARE these orange lights on the corner of my car for?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH.

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl was seen with my brother and his friend. How can I kill ‘em? btw, I have a record and I ain’t going back.
Mustang forums
- - - Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
- - - Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain’t stolen….

Civic forums
- - - Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success.

Yugo Forum
- - - When’s the last time yours ran?

Miata forums
- - - Some redneck in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car.

Chevy Tahoe forum
- - - Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it?

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit.

BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I’m from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA’s?

Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her rat lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company.

Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- - - Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where’s the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don’t forget where I’m supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He’s 25 miles away. That’s $450 in gas.

Fiat forum
- - - Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Supra Forums
- - - Head too big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Ford 2.3 forums
- - - Help! Replaced everything, still doesn’t start!

Bookmark and Share

Truths about age

Posted in Humor at 13:52 by Borniet

 GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t
baptize
cats.
2) When your
Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush
your hair.
3) If your sister
hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch
the  second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a
tomato
.
5) You can’t trust
dogs
to watch your food.
6) Don’t
sneeze when someone is cutting
your hair.
7) Never hold a
Dust-Buster and a cat
at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of
broccoli
in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear
polka-dot
underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is
Grandpa’s
lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing
Jell-O
to a tree.
2)
Wrinkles
don’t hurt.
3) Families are like
fudge
…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty
oak is just yesterday’s nut
that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like
jogging
on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber
, not the toy.   

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is
mandatory; growing up is optional
.
2) Forget the
health food. I need all the preservatives
I can get.
3) When you fall
down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down
there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster
.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the
answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions
.
6) Time may be a great
healer, but it’s a lousy beautician
.
7)
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone
.

SUCCESS:
At age  4  success is . . not
peeing
in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having
friends
.
At age 16 success is . . . having a
drivers license
.
At age 20 success is . . . having a
girlfriend
that thinks you a really good looking
At age 35 success is . . . having
money
.
At age 50 success is . . . having
money
.
At age 60 success is . . . having a
girlfriend
that thinks you are really good looking
At age 70 success is . . . having a
drivers license
.
At age 75 success is . . . having
friends
.
At age 80 success is . . . not
peeing
in your pants.       

Bookmark and Share

Quotes on Clinton

Posted in Humor at 13:49 by Borniet

“Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book. I believe the last
time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything that’s in
this book.” David Letterman

“Bill Clinton’s book went on sale today at long last. Earlier today hundreds
of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance
to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, ‘I’m
meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.’”

Conan
O’Brien

“It’s actually longer than the new Harry Potter book. And both of them, I
believe, are about a boy and his wand.”

David Letterman, on Clinton’s book

“This weekend 1,000 people lined up at Barnes and Noble to see Bill Clinton.
Not to buy his book, but to give him a Father’s Day card.”

Craig Kilborn

“After his affair became public Clinton says he had to sleep on the couch
for two months. It gets worse with Hillary”

Craig Kilborn

“In an upcoming interview with Dan Rather, Bill Clinton says he had an affair
with Monica Lewinsky ‘just because I could.’ And a moment later Hillary said
the same thing after she hit him with a lamp.”

Craig Kilborn

“President Bill Clinton’s autobiography is coming out next week. Clinton is
going on one of those book tours in New York City next week and they are
expecting huge crowds. So, to keep the crowd moving, he’ll only sign one
breast.”

David Letterman

“Bill Clinton’s new memoir has already had orders for 1.5 million copies. In
fact, it’s already in its third printing. The first two were stained.”

David Letterman

“Bill Clinton’s memoir, which is coming out in June, is called ‘My Life.’ I
believe it’s an oral history. … They say it should be a good read even for
people who are unfamiliar with Bill Clinton, you know, like Hillary.”

Jay Leno

“Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the
Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry
campaign. I’m thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.”

David Letterman

“Don’t kid yourself, this is disturbing. Stories coming out about degrading
photographs, nude pyramids, sexual humiliation. Of course I’m talking about
Bill Clinton’s memoir.”

David Letterman

“A new article in Vanity Fair says Bill Clinton is having trouble finishing
his new book, entitled ‘My Life,’ in time to meet his deadline. It’s not too
surprising, since you can only type so fast using one hand.”

Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

“Bill Clinton’s publisher says he’s just about finished writing his memoirs.
The last chapter is titled, ‘Hold On, I Just Found Out Halle Berry Is
single.’”

Craig Kilborn

“Clinton’s book could be close to 700 pages. What is this? Even Clinton’s
books are fat.”

Jay Leno

“The $10 million Clinton is getting for his book beats the old record of $8.5
million paid to the Pope. How do you think this makes the Pope feel? The man
dedicates his life to the 10 Commandments, he gets 8.5. Clinton breaks every
one of them, he gets 10.”

Jay Leno

“Just like Clinton, the book will come with a jacket and no pants.”

Jay Leno

“Clinton has been mulling over titles for his memoirs but publishers have
already told him he can’t use the ‘Ass Menagerie.’ … Editors are reportedly
hoping for 1000 pages, but Clinton wants it considerably shorter so it hurts
less when Hillary throws it at him.”

Craig Kilborn

“Today the publisher of Bill Clinton’s book said the last draft does include
Clinton’s description of all his infidelities. Yes, look for it in
bookstores in the hernia section.”

Craig Kilborn

“Isn’t this amazing? Clinton is getting $8 million for his memoir, Hillary
got $8 million for her memoir. That is $16 million for two people who for
eight years couldn’t remember anything.” Jay Leno

Bookmark and Share

About Belgium

Posted in Humor at 10:19 by Borniet

http://www.galactic-guide.com/articles/8R94.html

I can only confirm this, being a Belgian myself…

Bookmark and Share

Porn Star Gives a Trooper a BJ to get Out of a Ticket

Posted in Humor at 10:05 by Borniet

Then posts about it on her blog, the trooper gets suspended

read more | digg story

Bookmark and Share

The Trooper

Posted in Humor at 10:03 by Borniet

A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally,
trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that
he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The
farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what
they are—I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re
called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around
the back end of a horse.”

The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me
a horse’s ass?”

“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police
officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the
ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

Bookmark and Share

The dying godfather

Posted in Humor at 9:59 by Borniet

The old Italian Mafia Don, The Godfather is dying so he called
his grandson to his bed.

“Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take  my
chrome plated 38 revolver so you ill always remember me.”

“But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving
me
your Rolex watch instead.”
“You lisina to me, soma day you goin  be runna da bussiness, you
goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a
couple
of bambino.Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda your wife in
bed
with another man.. What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and
say


TIMESUP?”
Bookmark and Share

Software development cycle

Posted in Humor, IT at 9:48 by Borniet

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his bonus check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Bookmark and Share

« Previous entries ·