11.04.07

HTML Summary

Posted in Webdesign, IT at 1:28 by Borniet

A summary of the most used HTML tags, handy to have around!

read more | digg story

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Regular Expressions to keep

Posted in Webdesign, IT at 1:27 by Borniet

A short and handy list of useful regexps.

read more | digg story

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08.13.07

IT people definitions

Posted in Humor, IT at 14:10 by Borniet

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women
  can deliver a baby in One month.

  2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will
  take 18 months to deliver a baby.

  3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman
  can deliver nine babies in one month.

  4) Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a
  baby.

  5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can
  deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

  6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t need
  a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with zero resources.

  7) Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether
  the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.

  8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy
  with the PROCESS to produce a baby

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Software development cycle

Posted in Humor, IT at 9:48 by Borniet

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his bonus check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

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Funny Unix commands

Posted in Humor, IT at 9:26 by Borniet

% cat “food in cans”
cat: can’t open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% “How would you rate Quayle’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.

% Unmatched “.
Unmatched “.

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?^
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many (’s.

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

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Greatest resignation letter ever

Posted in Humor, IT at 8:49 by Borniet

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a
waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because   I
know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired  to
provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly
attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why
people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even  though I
am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your
shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked
for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility,  you
pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your
glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the
blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you
are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is
unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I
am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you
to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I
prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next
couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do
it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every  password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get
cute, I  am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently
saved  when  you made me “back up” your useless files. I do believe that
terms like  “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your Mother’s
birthday”, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd
acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and
kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of
recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct
your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on  my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f***
with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with
all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day.

Sincerely,
name withheld

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08.09.07

Old errormessages

Posted in Humor, IT at 13:13 by Borniet

In an old copy of the Newsletter of the European UNIX User Group (Vol.
7, No 1, 1987) I found a list of error-messages, compiled by Nick Stoughton
E       2.718…
E2BRUTUS        Init killed by an adopted child
E2MANY  Too many error codes
E423    Addictive overflow
E       Obscene kludge in program
E=MC2+1 Illegal units conversion
E?      DMR system error
EACDC   Wrong type of socket
EAGLE   Disk full
EAR     Please repeat question
EASTER  Autoreboot in 3 days
EASY    Cray doing an infinite loop
EAT     Data file munched
EAT     The Computer is going down
EAT     You have been hacking too long, time to …
EATME   Cannot mount face
EATME   request bytes
EATT    Legal fees exhausted
EATT    Running Sys 5
EATTABOY        Nice try - try again
EBAD    Bad error (not good). Naughty Naughty.
EBADDOG Pointer on carpet
EBADMUSIC       Warning - muzak playing
EBADTASTE       Compiling an operating system written in PASCAL
EBANKRUPT       Out of cache
EBAPTIST        Busy hands are happy hands
EBB     Data flow reversal
EBCDIC  Dialect unknown
EBCDIC  Non ascii stream
EBCDIC  Non portable character comparison
EBEFOREI        invalid syntax
EBSD    Running BSD
EBSD    Your tape will be shipped real soon now, we promise
EBUNNY  Multi-hop access attempt
EC00Y   JCL error
ECHAOTIC        Chaotic or random error
ECHERNOBYL      Broken pipe
ECHERNOBYL      Connection melted
ECHIROPRACT     Disk problem
ECHO    Duplicate argument found
ECIA    You’re not allowed to know
ECLAMUP Shell Quit
ECONF   Too many sessions
ECONSTIPATED    Operation would block
ECRAY   Program exitect before run
ECREAT  Missing vowel
ECROSSDRESSING  Violation of strong typing
ECRUFT  Bit rot in program
ECRUSADE        Religious error (SVRn)
ECT     Addressing, I/O, Wrong Command etc
EDDIE   Thank you for making a simple error-code generator very happy…
EDFS    Not a tty
EDINGDONG       The daemon is dead
EDMR    A host is a host from coast to coast, and no-one can talk
EDOOFS  Beating dead horse
EDOOFS  Overload
EDOWHAT Operation unknown in Texas
EDRANO  Sync failure
EDROUGHT        Stream failed
EE      Stoned EE grad student code found
EE6NONE Kernel non-existant
EEC     Common Market - no parity
EECHOO  Bless you
EECK    Mice in machine room
EECS    Invalid department
EECUMMINGS      Case Translator Finished
EEE     Center of terrorist activity
EEEEEEEE        Infinite loop in program
EEEEEEEEEE      Speaker too close to microphone
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE   Infinite loop detected
EEK     Dead mouse
EEMILYPOST      Wrong fork
EERYMEENYMINYMOE        Scheduler can’t decide which process to run…
EFAULT  Earthquake
EFGHIJ  Long time no C
EFIXED  No children
EFLAT   File system needs tuning
EFLAT   String out of range
EFLOOD  Overflow in stream
EFORK   Routing table full
EFORK   Too many forks
EFREETRADE      Setquota failure
EGAD    Got another dump
EGAD    Surely you jest
EGADS   Sudden realisation were running VMS
EGADS   The system is astounded
EGGONYOURFACE   Memory fault: core dumped
EGOAWAY System is busy now
EGODOT  Endless wait
EGODS   Too many Baptists
EGOEDEL Maths Argument Undecided
EGOOD   Good error (everyone should make(1) one)
EGREP   String not found
EH      Canadian user error
EH      Say what?
EHEADACHE       Connection request denied
EHEADACHE       Dual processors not tightly coupled
EHTRAP  Hack …
EIA     Standardization violation
EIBM    User error. Fix the problem and recompile
EIEIO   Bug bug here, bug bug there
EIEIO   Farms in Berkeley
EILLEGAL        Illegal error (failable)
EILLITERATE     Can’t read or write
EIMPOLITE       Bad fork
EIMPOTENT       Unable to fork
EINF    Infinite loop
EJIHAD  Religious error (BSD4.x)
EKEN    You are not expected to understand this
EKNOCK  Who s there
ELABORATE       Too tense
ELAPSED Sins undeclared
ELASTICK        Clock needs rewinding
ELAWFUL Lawful error
ELECTROCUTION   Attempt by finger to reach socket
ELECTROLUX      Your code could stand to be cleaned up
ELF     Tolkien ring passing error
ELICIT  Need more input
ELIM    Outside bounds of window
ELUSIVE Invalid pointer
EMACS   Program too large
EMAIL   Junk mail detected
EMAIL   User is too big a flamer
EMARCOS No longer supported
EMEACULPA       System error
EMIRROR Hardware error - see ESMOKE


EMISC   None of the above
EMISS   Record skipped
EMO     Main processor overworked
EMORDOR Name server bound
EMORTAL Can t kti process
EMPOTENT        Pipe too soft
EMRED   A host is a host from coast to coast, and nobody talks…
ENAP    On wrong side of window
ENEEDWINDEX     Unable to do I/O to window
ENIH    There’s a better way to do that
ENIXON  Tape problem
ENOAIR  Read on a full pipe
ENOARMSCONTROL  Silo overflow
ENOBOZOS        Stupid request
ENOCH   Race condition
ENOCHICKEN      Serious colonel problem
ENOCONTEST      The judges’ decision is final
ENOCORN Serious kernel problem
ENOCURRENT      Bad socket
ENODICE Error in rand
ENOENO  Musician not found
ENOENO  Too intense
ENOERROR        Just kidding
ENOFLUID        (Cray 2 only) CPU fluid level low
ENOGOOD Invalid system error
ENOGREYHOUND    Bus error
ENOH2O  Read on an empty pipe
ENOHOPE System V
ENOKISS Buss error
ENOKNOW Definitely hardware or software error
ENOMAAM Missing token
ENOMULTIHOP     You should use NFS not RFS
ENON    No errors. Just kidding
ENONCOGNISCENT  Something is wrong and I won’t tell you what
ENONO   You can’t do that
ENOONE  Both endian
ENOPAPER        Read on an empty file
ENORMOUS        Program too large
ENOSALT Nuke error. core dump
ENOSAUSAGE      Serious link problem
ENOSELECTRIC    Not a typewriter
ENOSTRADAMUS    Predicted result
ENOTATE Not in art gallery
ENOTCOMPLETE    Dial again or ask your operator for assistance
ENOTHEAVY       E’s my brother
ENOTME  Not my fault
ENOTMYFAULT     Some other process generated the error
ENOTONHORSE     Mount failed
ENOUGH  Infinite loop skipped
ENOUGH  No ugly hostnames allowed
ENOUGH  Time limit expired
ENOUGH  Too many errors
ENOUNIX “But that’s not UNIX” (you have invoked a system ca1l…)
ENOVICE Not in Miami
ENOWARP Out of dilithium crystals
ENOWAY  No way to list all these error codes
ENSA    No such error
ENUF    No more errors please
EOOEAA  Invalid hex format
EOOPS   Program lost
EORGY   Mount table full
EOUTOFGAS       Bus error
EOW     Stack fell over
EP&p6   String not null terminated
EPDP8   Obsolete CPU
EPHONEBOOK      Directory does not exist
EPLUNGER        Unable to flush
EPRIVATE        Can t tell you error
EPUBLIC Everyone knows better
EPUN    That s not funny
EPUNT   Now what?
ERABRIT Too many hops
ERASE   Race condition
ERATRAP Female programmer induced bugcheck
EREAlSOONNOW    Feature not yet supported
ERELIGION       A 4.2/SV system call has been issued on a SV/4.2 system
ERG     Requires too much effort
ERROR   ? (the user will know what this means)
ERROR   Error
ERROR   Error in perror
ESALTII Deadlock detected
ESARTE  No exit
ESCAPE  Trap failed
ESCHWA  Extended character set unsupported
ESMOKE  Software error - see EMIRROR
ESMOP   Code not written; lazy programmer
ESP     Error coming soon
ESPLASH Cannot push stream module
ESPOON  Too many forks
ET      Cannot phone home
ET      Phone home
ETATJOES        Commercial implementation error
ETC     Misc. error
ETCOMEH Tbuf fault. Flushing and returning
ETEENAGER       Runaway child process
ETERNAL Attempt to sleep on wchan for which wakeup will never…
ETHER   Try STARLAN instead
ETHEWRONGCHOICE BSD system call
ETHIOPIA        Out of resources
ETICKET Failure to stop at signal
ETOOMANY        Too many remote file systems
ETOW    Denver boot (wheel clamp)
ETPHONEHOME     Hang up
ETRAP   Rogue fell into its own trap
ETTY    Is a typewriter
EUNICH  /etc/dev not found
EUNICH  Mount request not possible
EUNUCH  Unable to fork
EUSSR   Usr core destroyed
EUUG    Intercontinental junket
EUUG    Too many groups
EVITA   Don’t cry for me Argentina
EWATERGATE      Extreme tape gap
EWHAT   Unknown error
EWOODY  This LAN is your LAN, this LAN is my LAN…
EWORGET Out of memory
EX      Old version detected
EXORCIST        Cannot remove zombies
EXPORT  Feature restricted outside of the US
EYAWN   Algorithm boring
EYOYO   System about to crash
EYUCK   Are you sure that you wanted to mount that VMS file system…
EYUCK   Pipe backed up
EZ      It would be faster to do operation on paper
EZ      Menu in use
EZBAD   Program erased all source and died
EZMUCH  Funny error (Inexplicable without laughing or giggling)
EZRIDER Irregular machine cycles
EZZZ    Interrupted sleep
EZZZZ   Process asleep
Ep&P6   (null)

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Use analogies when talking to non-techies

Posted in IT at 9:29 by Borniet

A while ago, the emailsystem on my hosting when down. I had alot of complaints from my customers, as alot of these people rely on their email for their companies, and for their private lives.
I had an epiphany in the shower in March. It wasn’t as
stunning as the vision Saul had on the road to Damascus, but
it hit me pretty hard. After my vision cleared and I picked
up the soap from the floor, I resolved to apologize to all my
end users for wasting their time. For years I’ve been trying
to educate them about computers’ inner workings. Fine, but
most of my end users don’t care about innards.

If their reports come out when they should, it doesn’t really
matter to them how the machine does it. I realized that as
long as the data is accurate and sorted properly, they
wouldn’t care if the reports were created by little green
elves working inside the printer with tiny pots of ink and
quill pens made from hummingbird feathers.

After that revelation, I developed a two-tier format for
messages to my end users. The first paragraph tells them I
made a mistake (or there was a hardware problem, or the elves
went on strike), what they saw at their end, in simple terms
(”Your screens went blank”) and that I fixed the mistake (or
the hardware types fixed the problem). The last line in the
first paragraph says “Technical details follow, if you are
interested.”

The second and successive paragraphs discuss technical
details. 95% of my end users skip them.

90% of your clients don’t know disks are partitioned. Most of
them think a spool is how you buy sewing thread.

You may have a gifted writer on your staff who can come up
with brilliant metaphors. If not, I can supply them on a
regular basis for a fee. Here are two samples of $4
metaphors. Sometimes a bit of humor can take the edge off of
customer dis-satisfaction.

“The computer did a triple gainer off the three-meter board,
but someone had drained the pool”.

“If the e-mail system was a goldfish, you would have seen it
floating belly-up in the bowl last weekend.”

Try it out yourself next time you need to explain something technical to a non-technical person. You’ll see that it really works, and they respect you so much more then when you are using all techy terms.

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08.03.07

IT Hell

Posted in Humor, IT at 15:42 by Borniet

          One politician, One thief & One Programmer died & went straight
to hell.  Politician said “I miss my country, I want to call
my country and see how everybody is doing there.
he called and talked for about 5 minutes, then he asked “Well, devil how
much do I owe you????
The devil says “Five million dollars”
The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Thief was soo jealous, he starts screaming, “My turn! I wanna call the my
group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too” He called
and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked “Well, devil how much do I
owe you????

The devil says “Ten million dollars”
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his
chair.

Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, “I want to call other
IT person too,
He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about various
technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked, then he
asked “Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says “Twenty dollars”.
Programmer is stunned & says “Twenty dollars??? Only ??”
The devil says “Well if you make a call from one hell
to another hell, it’s local”.

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08.02.07

The Art of Documentation

Posted in Humor, IT at 15:07 by Borniet

The procedure is simple.
Think of any three-digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces “systematized logistical projection,” a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.
“No one will have the remotest idea of what you’re talking about,” says Broughton, “but the important thing is that they’re not about to admit it.”

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0. Integrated 0. Management 0. Options
1. Total 1.Organizational 1.Flexibility
2. Systematized 2. Monitored 2. Capability
3. Parallel 3. Reciprocal 3. Mobility
4. Functional 4. Digital 4. Programming
5. Responsive 5. Logistical 5. Concept
6. Optional 6. Transitional 6. Time-Phase
7. Synchronized 7. Incremental 7. Projection
8. Compatible 8. Third-Generation 8. Hardware
9. Balanced 9. Policy 9. Contingency

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